The writer in me…Her imaginative ramblings..

Once you reach a certain age. Simple things matter more. Your kids become adults. You have more time on your hands. What the heck is time??? Today is my youngest 19 birthday! Where does the time go. I grow older so do they. Empty nester in my future? It is hard to deal with life’s changes. Since my fathers death I have been in a deep depression. I have no motivation or energy. This is unlike me.

Cabernet has always been my go too wine. With this depression it and chocolate my Ali…it’s almost like stress eating. I guess it’s distress eating. Family always equals drama. It’s been a never ending stream lately. How does one block that out. How do I focus on positives when so much has changed?

My fall happened months ago yet I’m still dealing with the after effects. I may have injured myself badly and I just kept on working. I finally went to the doctor. Who told me how stubborn I was to not come in sooner. That’s just it, as a kid we never went to the doctor. Dad was that guy that consistently stitched us up, fixed whatever was wrong. A now he’s gone. It’s a lot to swallow. It’s a lot to try and grasp. I feel like I’m a little girl whining and throwing a fit. Well maybe I am.

Perseverance has gotten me far in life. Yet I’ve learned that it can also get me into trouble. It keeps me from doing things I should because I’m trying to be strong or brave. I have to realize that I have a right to be mad, hurt or afraid. This strange new reality…it’s drowning my spirit and my fight. If dad was here he’d be yelling at me. Just like I was mad at him for not taking care of himself. He always told me I could do so much more. That I’m not giving myself enough credit.

Faith in others is difficult for me. I have always been miss independent. Doing everything on my own without delegating responsibilities. I have learned so much in my short time at the winery. I am beginning to see the benefits of communication and delegation. I’m officially a cater now. Never thought I’d say those words.

I will keep you posted on my continued progress. Pray I won’t need hip or back surgery. Continue to learn and grow as a manager and a coworker. When stuff is important it gives purpose to everyday life. I need to use that as my positive right now.

Tomorrow we go to my dads house and take the pieces of his life that are important to us. How does one chose specific pieces that mean the most. How do I chose what material piece of dad I want? The truth is I just want him.

That’s all I have today friends. The chaos that is me right now. Life and writing are a work in progress…(just like me)😉