The worst month of my life…so far…Guinness and whiskey my companions…broken hearted me…

I know I have written about grief before. Nothing compares the the grief I am experiencing now. Throughout the month of March. I have felt every emotion from highs to extreme lows. I lost my father and my best friend. My confident, my hero. I feel like a piece of me is gone. I am empty. Bereft…in a sea of grief.

I’m trying my best to be strong. Brave. I’m am crumbling inside. Every inch of me hurts. It is a physical pain I have never experienced. It is a gaping hole I cannot fill. I am so lost. I hurt so much. I miss him…

I have never felt a physical pain from grief before. My father was my everything. I was his girl. His apple. His chipmunk. I am so bereft of everything right now. I’m just here. I have not found my new normal yet. Is there one?

I struggle daily because I’ve never experienced this level of loss before. I am physically in pain daily. Yet I try to be brave for my siblings and children. I want to find my comfort again. My home. Yet I know I will never has his hug again, hear his voice again, hear his laugh again. In my entire life he has always been there. My rock. How do I move forward. How do I find a new normal?

I have moments when I experience joy. The memories of dad vibrant and joyful. Yet I have moments of complete despair. I am not worthy of this life. These blessings I have. My appetite comes in waves. As my sleep. Sometimes it’s great. Sometimes it’s nonexistent. I am so spent. I am so sad. I am incomplete.

I never knew exhaustion like this. It is all consuming. All incorporating emotions. I am sick. I am laughing. I am tired. I am weak. This emptiness is all consuming and all encompassing. There is no relief. No peace. Just pain. Just hurt. Just exhaustion. I hope to find balance soon. I hope to feel peace. It has escaped me so far. Love is strong. My love for him is never ending.

That is all I have for tonight friends. Reading and writing are a work in progress…(just like me)😉

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