Every once in a while a memory will stop me in my tracks and reduce me to tears. It brings me back to all those I have lost in this life. The pain does get easier…it never leaves. There memory hallow and pure forever. Because we loved them.
My grandparents, both sets have been gone for years. Yet, I still hear them. I can still feel them. They always pushed me to move forward. To chase my dreams. Experience all that life has to offer. It is an overwhelming feeling to wonder if you have actually done that? Have you lived up to those expectations. Have I made them proud?
I feel like I’ve always taken the path well traveled. I have done what is safe, secure, solid. I have never been a risk taker. I have always been the planner. Even in things I have no control over. One of the drawbacks of being the eldest child, eldest grandchild, eldest cousin. I was the example. If I did wrong, it was announced and displayed. I was driven to please all. The example of what to do right. I have such high expectations for myself.
I am finally taking steps out of the controlled environments I have become comfortable in. The blanket of stability I have wrapped myself in. I am reaching out, and stretching my legs. It is a challenge on the daily to become what I want to be. That example others are proud of. Trying to make them proud in everything I do. I put immense pressure on myself.
I strive to make others happy at the expense of myself. I have smothered myself in many ways. I have become a non-confrontational person. A women who does not fight for herself. One who just smiles and nods and sweeps conflict under the rug. I am angry at myself for this. So frustrated that I have become what I feared. An empty shell of me. So eager to please, I am no longer myself.
So I made a big decision last week. I was no longer going to live in conformity. No longer be okay with belittling from so called friends, no longer accept no recognition for work preformed… do anything that does not make me happy. No more. I will see no less for myself then what gives me joy!
In honor of those who are gone, in honor of there love and complete acceptance of me and my goals. My joy. I will continue these steps of progression and give myself the life I need. I am so thankful for them. These moments when they appear when I need them most! It’s like they are speaking to me.(More like yelling…”Damnit Jess”)
I hope they will see the me I want to be. I hope I will find the joy I seek within myself. The strength to move forward and achieve those goals set so long ago at the kitchen table with my grandma cheering me on!
That is all I have tonight friends. Writing and Life are a work in progress…(just like me)😉
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