Sunshine and stress!

I am so sorry it has been a while. All I can say is it’s been very difficult for the past few months. It was like my writing well had dried up. My creative voice replaced with stress and not enough sunshine. Depression and rain.

As the oldest child in my family I have always held responsibility squarely on my shoulders. If something isn’t working I am supposed to figure out why. If I’m exhausted I am told to keep going.

I am in this limbo state with virtually everything in my life. There is no solution currently. No relief. Just unmovable stress. It’s there constantly. How do I shake it? Do I have a breakdown, a crying myself to sleep moment or try to let it go.

Days off for me are never off. There are always a million things demanding my attention. Sure I can delegate…if the person is listening or cares. At work I feel like no one does, it’s a dog eat, dog world. There is no team. It’s like survivor in a kitchen setting. Miserable wether sometimes ninety or seventy in the kitchen with ovens teaching temps in the hundreds. constant demands of time energy calling you on days off.

I read these quotes that are supposed to make me feel better. They don’t. They are meant to encourage me to have “me time.” If I take said time…I feel guilty. What about my responsibilities, chores, cooking, cleaning… it’s just me on my own. My husband works very hard, my son is unmotivated in anything that isn’t video games.

I am usually the silver linings girl. The one who always looks for the positives. In this instance I cannot find them. My job has lost its job has become menagerie of bureaucratic decisions and bs.the job that once made me proud now feels like a flat soda. The flavors are still there just none of the bubbles, the pizazz…joy is gone. Teamwork nonexistent. Communication lacking.

Day after day my hard work is unappreciated and stress filled. My coworkers who once shared joys, and such rarely speak. There is no time too. It is absolute chaos a majority of the time. So what do I do? Quit my job? At 45 start over? Part of me screams yes! Do it…Realistic me is you’ve got lots of bills to pay off. Wait until you are more settled?

So long story short it’s been a difficult few months. I will try to write more. I will look for ways to inspire myself and give myself rest…I am not there yet…I’ll keep you posted.

Writing and life are a work in progress…( just like me.)😉 until next time readers…

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